Coyotes – Not in England, You Say
“There aren’t any coyotes in England.” Really! They have werewolves but no coyotes. That doesn’t seem right. We Canadians can help.
Werewolves But Not Coyotes
A werewolf howled as two young American men walked through the foggy moors in England at night with the rain pouring down. One of them suggested that it was just a coyote. The other replied, “There aren’t any coyotes in England.” And then it attacked! As the werewolf ripped him apart, he probably wished it was only a coyote.
I’m sitting in the comfort of my living room watching the 1981 movie An American Werewolf in London. I was dumbfounded. “What?! There are werewolves in England but no coyotes. That doesn’t sound right.” I rewound the movie, thinking that I had heard it wrong. No, he clearly stated that there aren’t any coyotes in England.
I couldn’t believe it, so I had to check with Mr. Google. It is true. There are no coyotes in England or anywhere in Europe, for that matter. Coyotes are native to North America. So, I’m thinking we can help England diversify its wildlife. After all, we have more coyotes than we need, and Canadians are a generous people who share. I have an idea, which I will expand on later.
What Is a Coyote?
A coyote is a member of the canine family, as are wolves and domesticated dogs. It is quite a bit smaller than a wolf, with much more delicate features. Coyotes are native to North America but, in recent decades, have found their way into Central America. They are primarily carnivorous, dining on small rodents and birds.
They are not ordinarily aggressive toward people unless they feel threatened. However, in habitats shared with people, they can become dangerously comfortable around people if they are used to getting food handouts.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so check out the image below. If you want more information on coyotes, go to the resources listed below.
Vancouver’s Stanley Park
Stanley Park is the crown jewel of Vancouver, BC, Canada. It is the place to see for tourists coming to Western Canada. The 1,001-acre park occupies the northwestern half of a peninsula, with downtown Vancouver covering the southeastern half.
The park has a world-renowned aquarium and used to have a reasonably big zoo. However, the parks board phased out the zoo many years ago due to public opinion.
It currently has three beaches and pools creatively named 1st Beach, 2nd Beach, and 3rd Beach and water parks for the children. There is also a horse-drawn carriage service around the park, which is very popular with tourists and locals but annoying to drivers trying to get through the park.
The park has a long history and, in the past, was occupied by Aboriginal tribes. It was a perfect place for their camps as it is right on Burrard Inlet, which separates the north and south shores and is convenient for travel and food supply.
The park has changed quite a bit since then, thanks to climate change. A few strong windstorms have downed many large, ancient trees in the last decade. I have not witnessed severe gales such as this previously in this area. However, it’s still a beautiful park that everyone here enjoys.
Pack of Coyotes Shut Down Stanley Park
Currently, Stanley Park is closed from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. So, here’s the problem. Since the beginning of the year, there have been almost 50 coyote attacks in the park. Many of these attacks have been against joggers jogging at dawn or dusk along the seawall. Humans are running in your domain at your busy time when it’s nearly dark. If you were a coyote, I’m sure your first instinct would be to chase and attack.
They seem to enjoy sneaking up on and attacking small children or pets who have wandered far from their human protectors. Now, I’m not casting any blame here, but if you don’t want to pry your young children or small pets from the jaws of a coyote, keep them on a short leash.
Although most of these attacks have been relatively minor, some have required medical attention. However, there have been a couple of severe injuries to joggers. The biggest concern is the psychological damage. Whether adults, children, or pets, the victims of these attacks will have these terrifying and traumatic memories for the rest of their lives.
In a lighter vein, there was one incident of a coyote attacking and biting a couple having a picnic in the park at 1:30 a.m. Now, I looked up the definition of picnic in the dictionary. It doesn’t state an appropriate time for a picnic. However, most people would use a different word or phrase for two people hanging out in the forest in the middle of the night. Still, I will leave that to your imagination.
Stanley Park Coyotes Survey
Experts have yet to suggest many reasonable proposals. However, we do need to find a solution to the Stanley Park coyotes conundrum. Mike Smyth, a talk show host at local radio station CKNW, posted a survey on Twitter asking for people’s opinions. The survey was somewhat limited in its choices, but with 836 responses, here are the results:
What should we do about aggressive coyotes in Stanley Park?
- Humanely euthanize 52%
- Trap and remove 33%
- Leave them alone 13%
- Something else, but what? 3%
Choices
So, let’s look at the choices suggested in the above survey. Number 1 is to euthanize them humanely, which means killing them nicely. So, as you can see, “euthanize” and “humanely” don’t really go together. Okay, they don’t feel any pain, but dead is dead. Remember that humans contributed to these coyotes becoming overly comfortable and aggressive by feeding them. This choice doesn’t work for me at all.
Number 2 is to trap them and remove them from the park. Now, this has possibilities. But, this potential solution has an expected negative consequence, as with number 1. No more coyotes, and the rodent population will increase substantially and quickly. Who needs more rats? We could bring in other coyotes that have not become used to being around humans.
Okay, this solution seems feasible. It would be like a coyote exchange program. Move out the troublemakers and bring in new guys. But eventually, they would become a problem, too, because people would feed them. At least with this choice, we would buy ourselves some time before it all began again.
Then there is number 3, which is absolutely a no-go. Doing nothing rarely accomplishes anything, and you can quote me on that. We need to address the ongoing problem of coyotes in Stanley Park now.
Now, look at number 4: “Something else, but what?” Let’s use our imaginations, which, apparently, only 3% of the people answering this survey possess.
Something Else, But What?
So I propose that we work out a trade. Remember that you just found out that there aren’t any coyotes in England or anywhere in Europe, for that matter. I suspect the English would love to have a pack of rather mischievous coyotes. These coyotes are Canadian-born and raised; therefore, we should get something for these home-grown creatures.
I say let’s trade them for one of England’s werewolves. However, we need to prepare to take just any old werewolf. We certainly don’t want the one from the movie mentioned above. Its endearing characteristic seemed to be a propensity for gratuitous violence, and he looked somewhat fake. And we don’t want a pregnant female about to give birth to the devil’s spawn. Our ideal choice would be a captured, stuffed, and mounted specimen. Do you have any of those?
We’re Only Thinking of You
There are several reasons why this would be a good trade for you. These coyotes only seem to go after joggers, small children who wander away from neglectful parents, and small pets. Your werewolves aren’t so discriminating. They will attack anyone or anything, wandering lost and aimless through the moors on a foggy and rainy night. You could put your newly acquired coyotes in the moors and put up signs.
No Joggers, Small Children, or Pets Allowed in the Moors, Especially on Foggy and Rainy Nights! These moors are under 24-hour surveillance monitoring. I know that’s a lot of words, but you can construct a big sign that any unsuspecting soul can see from afar. You know you want our coyotes, so stop denying it.
They would be no trouble at all. They could even help to rid the moors of unwanted vermin. So what do you say, England? Do we have a deal? If not, I am sure some other coyote-less European country would be willing to trade one of their vicious mythical beasts for what we are offering.
Disclaimer: This article does not intend to disrespect werewolves, Americans, or any combination thereof.
And Now For Your Listening Enjoyment (Maybe)
Here is Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon from 1978 (or including the lyrics). You may notice that this was released three years before the movie An American Werewolf in London. The song’s writer got inspiration from the 1935 movie Werewolves of London starring Henry Hull and about the same topic.
The above essay is for entertainment and English language study only. For suggestions on how to use this post to improve your English reading and listening comprehension, click here.
Vocabulary
- moors – noun; open, uncultivated, usu. poorly drained upland; treeless wetlands in England (in this context)
- dumbfounded – adjective; astonished; surprised and confused
- diversify – transitive verb; make diverse, vary, modify; to add different kinds (in this context)
- canine – adjective; of or belonging to the family Canidae, including dogs, wolves, foxes, etc.; dogs or related to dogs
- downed – transitive verb; knock, shoot, or bring down; knock down; blow down ( in this context)
- gale – noun; a very strong wind; a very strong wind
- traumatic – adjective; distressing; emotionally disturbing; causing negative life-changing emotions
- conundrum – noun; a hard or puzzling question or issue; a big problem
- euthanize – transitive verb; painlessly kill a person or animal suffering from an incurable condition; kill painlessly
- humanely – adverb; inflicting the minimum of pain; as painlessly as possible
- consequence – noun; the result or effect of an action or condition; what happens as a result
- potential – adjective; the possibility of something developing or happening; possible
- substantially – adverb; of ample or considerable size or amount; by a lot
- feasible – adjective; likely, probable; reasonably possible
- pack – noun; a group of wild animals, esp. wolves, hunting together; a group of any canine (related to dogs) animals
- mischievous – adjective; teasing; playfully malicious; having fun that causes harm to others
- propensity – noun; inclination or tendency; a strong need for a certain behaviour (in this context)
- gratuitous – adjective; uncalled for; unwarranted; lacking good reason; unnecessary in the situation
- discriminating – adjective; able to discern, especially distinctions; can see a difference; makes choices
- mythical – adjective; a fictitious person, thing, or idea; not real
Comprehension Questions
- Are there coyotes in England?
Yes or No - Are coyotes native to Europe?
Yes or No - Coyotes are bigger than wolves.
True of False - In what Canadian city is Stanley Park?
(a) Toronto, (b) Montreal, (c) Edmonton, or (d) Vancouver - How many acres is Stanley Park?
(a) 1, (b) 11, (c) 101, or (d) 1,001 - How many beaches are there in Stanley Park?
(a) one, (b) two, (c) three, or (d) four - How many coyote attacks have there been in Stanley Park since the beginning of the year?
(a) almost 1, (b) almost 50, (c) almost 100, or (d) quite a few - Have you ever had a picnic at 1:30 a.m.?
Yes or No - If you participated in the Stanley Park Coyotes Survey, would you pick 1, 2, 3, or 4?
- Have you ever seen a werewolf in person?
Yes or No
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